damnit.

she makes me want to hold her tiny hands
and kiss her button nose
her laugh warms my chest and forces me to hold her
mainly
to keep close her four foot eleven inch frame
because otherwise i'd be disoriented
sometimes she makes me forget how to
tie my shoes
or say the alphabet
her voice is melodic
and quite distracting
love, love is spewing from my pores
well, love, like, or whatever this is
its here
and its comfy

catering to the mind

in my dreams
i used to play checkers with my sister
she always won

ive always had some trouble with
strategy

i thought i had us planned out
i thought i knew you
but look at us now
we're hardly visible past all the lies

i used to trust you,
me,
but now all i see are shadows

our father who art in heaven.

in the name of the father.
i could smell death.
tears traced paths down their dirt covered faces.
the world was spinning, spiraling downward.
'have you ever tasted blood?'
'it's metallic,' was my immediate response.
take a life.
save a life.
there was no question, no doubt.
i was going to die.
these weren't men, they were animals.
they became animals the moment they saw.
life leave someone's eyes.
their face crumbled.
and the son.
our cries fell on deaf ears.
it was certain now.
our prayers weren't going to get answered.
we were going to die.
young boys, fresh out of school.
held guns proudly at their side.
but i could see their hands shaking.
is this what you imagined life would be like?
take a life.
save a life.
and the holy spirit.
there were heroes among us.
some of the finest people i've ever encountered.
ordinary people, ordinary people.
"dear child, don't you get it? your pleas for mercy don't matter!"
their eyes burned holes into my skull.
i never thought i'd be labeled like this.
my last thought was that i hoped we would be remembered.
amen.

as i remember it...

our first kiss tasted distinctly
of honey suckles and sweat
our lips stuck together a bit from the heat
sitting under that crab apple tree
by the power lines that grace the roof tops
i must admit, after all this time
i peeked and saw your eyes were closed too
i was so sure i loved you

you whispered hello a few days ago
gave me that crooked smile
that still makes me melt
when i saw you at that cafe
it was raining but i knew it was you
its been 8 years but those
lost memories seem like yesterday
i was so sure i missed you

my conscience visits on the weekends.

violet eyes gripped my attention.
shot from across the room.
my memory might be failing.
but, you feel familiar.

you seem like an old friend.
someone i converse with.
over a steaming cup of coffee.

and soon i'm gliding toward your position.
your coordinates weren't lost among the motion.

after arrival time.
i'm quite sure we're familiar.
because i've noticed that stain on your existence.
the one you always try to hide.

you're draining my brain of knowledge.
of confidence.
and with just a wink and a nod.
i disappear.

100% chance of rain

practice, practice.
this takes practice.
you ask the same questions every time.
im kind enough to respond differently.
not that you care.
not that i do.
im so tired of lying to your face.
while my subconscious counts all the times you trust me.
i can read you like a book.
my fingers quietly run your pages.
im taking it all in.
your thoughts are beginning to wander.
but don't rush it, take your time, dear.
the clock is ticking with consumption.
i've got time on my watch.
my mind is a beehive.
the bees are my thoughts.
swarming in and out.
practice, practice.
all this practice.
and we're still here.

"you fall for people too easily"

i will wait.
im actually sort of a professional at it.
im a waiter.
and i will wait.
its a natural thing for me.
it stopped being hard long ago.
ill wait just like i breathe.
slow, easy, steady.
does this make me gullible?
am i that naive?

once i've started, i'm hardly able to stop

i awoke to the smell of pancakes
i could hear the sizzling

do you know how sweet that is?

you were in my dream
smiling, just smiling

do you know how beautiful that is?

the sun was just waking up
peeking its better half around the world

do you know how wonderful that is?

i woke up on the right side of the bed today
i couldn't keep the smile away

do you know how lovely that is?

i hope it never ends

are you sure?

excitement ripped at my heart.
the rush was at least 100 miles per hour.
it was beginning to make me delirious.
how do i always get so lucky?
it must me an innate gift.
well, i thank the heavens.
i thank them for what i have.
what i've been through.
my life is what i've built it to be.
but my god, thank you.

if i squeeze my eyes closed, will no one see me?

my face filled with heat.
who were these people?
running their mouths like they knew a thing or another.
please, excuse me, but you're precocious.
if only i could let those words leave my mouth.
i was wading in dark water here.
patience.
patience will help me.
their words sank into my skin.
irked my very core.
but i stood tall.
i needed no assistance.
for this was under my control now.
and soon they would fade away.

disregard reality.

it took a moment for it to fully sink in.
the intensity of the moment startled me.
i could feel the tension.
i breathed in pity.

did this really happen?
to me?
to you?

are you serious? yes, yes i am.

roses are red.
violets are blue.
my mommy smells.
and my daddy too.

believe me, appease me.

there were leaves.
everywhere.
bright colors assaulted my eyes.
the wind swept my hair from my face.

there were tears.
acidic tears.
from behind my lemon drop eyelids.
that traced a pattern along my jaw.

there were children.
singing jovial hymns.
confessing their happiness to the world.
and their voices rose up to touch the sky.

there was a hint of sadness.
in that day.
as my legs lead me to the clearing.
there was this feeling.
that still dwells in my voice.